One of the biggest issues I have with being Muslim is the insistence of giving the "believers" the benefit of the doubt in regards to crimes of the flesh, child molestation has been all too common and almost tolerated in my family, where male relatives have taken it upon themselves to fondle underage female relatives.
My mother was molested by my grandfather, she no longer has a relationship with him. I still manage to maintain communication with him. My aunt was molested over several occasions by an uncle and my grandmother was forcibly held against her will while a family friend raped her. The person who held her down was another female, the sister of the rapist.
When the allegations have been brought to the surface, they have been met with denial, the woman is deemed confused and mentally disturbed. Her pain is diminished and not taken seriously.
In my family's culture, patriarchy has favored the man over the concerns of a woman and her children. In custody disputes, men have the upper hand, and on issues of sexual promiscuity, men have the leeway to cheat and commit zina but women are villified if they follow their desires.
Recently, on a family visit, I find it sad that my family will not come to terms with the past that divides them. I have attempted to play liaison between the aggrieved party and the perpetrator, but it has been pointless. Neither party wants to discuss the issue and sadly, most members in my family insist on denying the events ever occurred.
These crimes span several generations, the perpetrator is never brought to justice, but it strains relations and leads to dysfunction.
This notion of "adaab" has been used more in my personal experience to silence honest debate and discussion about problematic aspects of Muslim culture.
Muslims like to speak of the lower rape incidences in the Muslim world, but has anyone ever pondered the possibility of a under-reporting of sexual crimes.
There are Muslim nations that still will not admit the AIDS epidemic nor do they keep statistics on diagnosed infections in their country, including the country of Turkey, often considered a "model" Muslim nation among Western neo-conservatives.
Even reading the comments concerning the permissability of same sex marriage in Islam, I notice the trend of dealing with reality, we have these romanticized notions of what "Islam" is but even the mythical Golden Age of Dynastic Islam had its issues and problems.
Bravo, Gustavo, thanks for sharing this. Indeed, many Muslim cultures are more concerned with creating a good looking facade than a healthy reality. Perhaps, as in the case of the US and the UK, changing policy will help, and culture will follow.
Yeah Gustavo, I agree that "adab" is often used to silence people, especially those who have less social power or prestige than those who are loudly calling for "adab." It's used to shame us into silence, and to destroy our sense of what is right and just by implying that even our honest expressions of pain are somehow indecent.
And you're right, this rhetoric about "adab" is also often linked to romanticized visions of an alleged Muslim golden age. As well as very tangible strategies to place certain community leaders and scholars beyond criticism.
But at the same time, I have been inspired by Omid Safi's appeal to adab in his intro to _Progressive Muslims_.
For a start, Bravo for bringing abuse of adab to the fore.
A point you made in your piece is that the individual welfare is made tangential to upholding the 'name, ie, reputation of the group. I like FM point: legislation is of the essence; culture often follows. The changes in Iraq are on the mark!?
As to Adab, like any social tool; it could be used constructively or it could be used to silence the disadvantaged: the young and women.
Gustavo, yes.
I salute you, Gustavo. It isn't easy to talk about a subject like this while also bringing up how it fits into the personal. Very brave, and glad to see a male writing about this subject. Linked
Not in My Muslim Neighborhood.
I don't object to the subject matter, conclusions or general issue. What bothers me is the way "Islam" "Muslim" "Middle Eastern Culture" and "Terrorism" are all conjoined.
This is not a "Muslim" issue as I see it. It is a cultural issue and not all Muslim cultures are the same. They are very diverse. As an American Muslim, I do not observe these issues in my Muslim community. Far from. I would call our community decidedly feminist.
Islam has to stop taking the beating for chauvinism that belongs to certain cultures but not inherently Islam.
It is a Muslim issue when Muslims do it. Your point is an apologetic ruse that keeps us from talking about the way these crimes occur in our communities.
You do not observe these issues in your Muslim community? Seriously, really? Are you really willing to lie like that?
Why does it bother you that we should attack our own problems *as our own*? Why does it bother you that we should clean our own house?
Where did Gustavo say that these things ONLY occur in Muslim communities? Nowhere. He simply addresses them from the context of his own family experience and notes that we Muslims have a lot of work to do, even in places like Turkey that claim a high ground on these issues.
Really? Buzz, you don't know any Muslim women who have been raped or beaten? No Muslim women who have been the victim of sexist interpretations of our sacred sources? Really?
What good is lying? What good is it?
Go volunteer with Men Against Violence Against Women, start a Muslim chapter. If after one month you throw up your hands in frustration for lack of any violence in your community, then report back.
Muhammad was not sent for you to lie about this. He struggled against these problems in HIS community.
Laury: "Really? Buzz, you don't know any Muslim women who have been raped or beaten? No Muslim women who have been the victim of sexist interpretations of our sacred sources? Really?"
Has the whole world gone insane? I answer questions and I get beaten down like a dog! F you.
 NO!!! I DON'T NO ANY MUSLIM WOMEN WHO HAVE BEEN RAPED OR BEATEN!
THE ONLY MUSLIM ABUSE I AM AWARE OF IS AGAINST ME FOR COMMENTING ON THIS LUNATIC ASSYLUM SITE.
"You do not observe these issues in your Muslim community? Seriously, really? Are you really willing to lie like that?"
Listen you insane bitch, just because you have your share of problems doesn't mean you get a free pass to project on everyone. It is possible for Muslim communities to not be dysfunctional. I am pleased to report that with my eyes wide open.
"Why does it bother you that we should attack our own problems *as our own*? Why does it bother you that we should clean our own house?"
Why do you insist on attacking me? Get a shrink! Get a fucking anti-psychotioc. Get a gun. I don't give a fuck, just project your issues on someone else you crazy hag.
You know me.
Wow.
Didn't Buzzkill just call me nagative, and a troll, a couple minutes ago?
Man, it's like raaaaaaiiin on my wedding day.
You know, I mean, ironic.
Irony noted.
Strictly coincidental. I have tried to deal with both of these issues honestly and responsibly.
Doing so brings an inordinant amount of abuse (from left field as far as I am concened). I have a temper just like many other people.
I have only been back here a couple of weeks and I am already sick of it.
There is no need to be so consistently rude to each other. Anyway, that is a little hypocritical, but only a little.
Swan song. I'm out and got better things to do but be abused by you (nice folks).
Buzz Kill
Buzz, think about it. You know my history. You also know the stories of other Muslim women. I know you know because we've talked about it. Why Buzz? Did you just forget? Did you not hear it when I said it?
This is why we have to be so damn open about it all. Because good men like you somehow forget or do not hear it no matter how clearly we say it. We have expose painful histories in public because good, decent men like you keep forgeting. And all that forgetting is what keeps it going, exactly Gustavo's point.
Buzz Kill,
You don't like me bringing up gay issues in the Ummah and now you don't like me relating religious terms and how they are abused to silence women.
Muslims often times will villify the Israelis for their crimes against the Palestinians, but remain noticeably silent on issues affecting Muslim minorities in Muslim majority countries where they have been subject to abuse and neglect.
The Muslim world often portrays itself as "perfect" while the West is deemed decadent and sinful.
Muslim reverts oftentimes adopt "Middle Eastern" culture as the only way to live a "Sunnah" lifestyle.
I was careful to write "adaab" in parenthesis, in my experience and in my community, "adaab" is used to tell Muslims who question the status quo too much to shut up.
Concerning dawah pamphlets that inform non-Muslims about the civilizational contributions of Muslims in history, the pamphlets speak of a Golden Age, an age when Muslims "ruled the world" and they were at the center of the universe, everything positive about this age in history is gloated over, but we do not discuss the issues that perplexed those generations.
How many Muslims know about slave rebellions of sub-Saharan Black Africans in medieval Iraq? The Abassids did attempt to racialize and implement plantation chattel slavery, similar to what happened in the United States.
I am proud of my Persian culture from Afghanistan and Iran, but I witness hypocrisy in the realm of sexuality and gender issues.
I know a number of unhappy married Muslims, they appear perfect in the public spotlight, but in private, their relationships are strained.
Me and Gus disagree plenty, and were we to get further into this subject we may find more disagreements. But so far, we're pretty much 100% in agreement. I am totally against the culture which Tariq Nelson has atutely summed up as the "Culture of denial and pretense" so common in the ummah. Issues that need to be brought out in the open often aren't, and as far as I can tell just plain ol' cultural chauvanism is the cause most of the time.
We need to define "community" because to me oppression anywhere in the Muslim world is my community, even if I am separate from these people by race, nationality, skin color, education, socio-economic status, etc.
Buzz Kill, I like to know something about people on this site, are you Middle Eastern?
Were you born into Islam or reverted?
Do you practice "mainstream" Islam or an "alternative form" of Islam like pledging a bayat to a imam (Sufism)?
By community, are you talking about the Muslims you associate with in San Francisco?
I would like to know that's all.
But I still love my grandfather and uncle despite their actions. I cannot hate someone else, regardless of their behavior, though I feel sad that they have never come to terms with their actions.
'How many Muslims know about slave rebellions of sub-Saharan Black Africans in medieval Iraq? 'Gus
Gus: tell us about it.
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