satire

Salaams M.
Hey A, howz it going?
Fine, listen up. I’ve got a new religion for you. Well, it’s not really new, more of a clarification of the religious ideas that have been bouncing around this part of the world over the last few thousand years
Cool, what’s it called?
Islam - and, well, to make it simple for everyone, I’m sending a book. The style is sublime, though I say so myself. Anyway, it should clear up a few things about how people should live their lives and their relationship with Me.

Anyone who knows me knows I am the rukhsa queen.  It isn't too hard to keep within the boundaries of Islamic Law if you know where to look for a ruling that works for you.  Seriously.  That is what the Law is there for, to make your life easy within the boundaries of the divine will.  I'm a Sunni, but I gladly take rukhsas from the Shia.  If you got a rukhsa, baby, I'm buying!

I got a little worried about the Islamic propriety of all this wrasslin' stuff I've been up to.  I mean there's a lot of touching going on.  Even though I wear two jog bras and a couple of t-shirts, the men do not wear cups as if not protecting their genitals is somehow more manly.  There is this one move called a "schoolboy."  It requires me to lie on the floor behind my partner and wind my hand through his legs so that the back of my hand is touching his upper thigh.  You know what I also have to wind by to get there, eh hem.  Why can't these guys wear cups!? 

The photo is of Randy Orton.  Now my classmates do not look like this (after all Randy is a TV Wrasslin' Star on Steroids) and they wear shorts instead of little trunks, but I think the photo nicely illustrates my dilemma.

So I contacted Ayatullah Arman, a wrestling fan and self-styled Marja` taqlid in Australia for a fatwa on the matter.  If he keeps up fatwas like this, I'm liable to go back to him with all my scandalous problems!

Roving Reporter Basla Nasruddin interviews the director of the film "I Just Know North America is Filled with Islamists" about his claims that his film was censored by Islamists working for the Public Service of Broadcasters. 

Q:  First, can you explain to us what you mean by “Islamists” at PSB?

A:  Yes, the consultants on the series are Islamists or Islamist collaborators.  There is obviously no need to elaborate on these   terms since everyone knows what they mean.

Q:  How did you come to this conclusion? 

A:  I made a simple, straightforward and honest documentary about moderate muslims.  These consultants criticized parts of the film.  Hence the consultants are Islamists or Islamist collaborators.  Islamists silence moderate thought.  If moderates are criticized, then those who criticize them are Islamist.

Q:  I'm sorry, maybe we can back up a bit.  Your documentary, in part, focuses on moderate Muslim voices in North America.  But how did you settle on a definition of who is moderate?

A:  It takes one to know one.  If you are a truthful person, you know the truth when you see it.  As soon as I saw Tarek Fatah I knew he was telling the truth.  He told me he was a moderate.  Fatah, then, gave us helpful insight into identifying Islamists. What more do you want?

From the desk of Shaykh Waswas al-Wahhabi,  in Riyadh...

Q:  Is it acceptable in Islam for a man to have a cell phones with with a hot  pink cover, and the ring-tones set on "I want your sex"? And is bluetooth ok, if it is only used with the intention of marriage?

A:  My dear brother in Islam, thank you for the confidence you place in us; may Allah enable us to answer your question.

Cell phones are without doubt a blight on the Umma. Nowadays, even when one goes to make tawaaf around the holy Ka'ba, one is constantly disturbed by the noise of their ringing, as well as by being forced to listen to even the intimate conversations of their ill-mannered owners. And the use of cell phones to facilitate sin is all around us.

CLICK READ MORE TO JUMP TO THE VIDEOS

CLICK HERE TO READ ABOUT THE CHALLENGE THAT LED TO THE GRUDGE MATCH OF THE CENTURY!

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Read the challenge here/click here to see the video of the match

A PEACE OFFERING

By Michael Muhammad Knight

With CAIR’s Ibrahim Hooper investigating his “legal recourses” in regard to my articles, I would like to propose an alternative means of settling our differences.

Last night I went out to my backyard where I had my dog chained to a tree, and I walked up to that dog and I kicked him square in the mouth—and that dog looked up at me and said, “LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, MIKE KNIGHT—YOU ARE THE BADDEST MAN IN PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING TODAY!”

“Damn right,” I told that dog—but then he just smiled.

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Can someone explain this one to me?